Dedicated to Prof. Jaharat Ara, for her precious and timely gift.
And now I drown into the abyss of my thoughts,
the color changing from light to a deeper blue,
and then to pitch black darkness, like a moonless night.
I drown past the scuttling crabs of my libido,
past the undulating kelps of my acquired words –
trying to stop my descent into the Absolute,
with myths and fictions, construed thousands of years ago.
But I was taught by a Waterfall, so I am
always unbent, unbowed and untamed, falling down!
And I drown past the legends of laws, religions,
past the petty states, nations and empires and their
made up histories as well. I have seen many bands
of wise chimps, exuberant in their genocides.
Drowning past them all I am one with the pure Nothing now!
I have no strings attached to life,
I do not know if it’s a weakness or a strength!
In the beginning with the world I tried
but all I shed was my blood and tears too!
The world seemed full of lust and greed and ignorance,
with no spirits but the organs and libidos!
Then I tied the knots with the sun, I think
or thought I did but O, the arrogance,
evaporating my strings in a flash,
leaving me to drift through the universe!
So, all I am left with now is the moon,
both the world beneath the sun and the sun at nights!
This time I know, this is my strength,
for one needs no strings to live a lunatic’s life!
Well, as I raised my hand to draw her attention,
another me pulled my hand down, admonishing
my lack of ethics and amoral emotions!
Procrastinated I stood motionless, wondering,
why must I use these different faces to feign –
acquaintances, fondness or love, though all I want
is the warm and mellow taste of her lips on mine
from now until the end of days tears us apart!
So, am I now anything but a worthless lump
of passions raw and unsorted too that knows no bound
but still either a weakened libido, perhaps
or a conscience too strong keeps turning me around!
Wish I could stay that way for the rest of this life
but no, the duel starts again simply at her sight!
One by one I have killed them all –
my ego, superego and
my libido as well.
Now this emptiness that I feel
within myself and all around,
guess, perhaps that is me…
First I set my eyes on ego
and killing it was easy too,
all I had to do was,
discard everything I learned
about the reality and soon
there was no trace of it…
Then it was superego’s turn
to die and I knew it lived on
what I was taught during
my early adolescent years
and the culture, internalized,
so I scrapped them clean too…
Then it was me and libido,
the most ancient part of myself
face to face, I to kill
and the latter one to survive
my ruthless slaughter for being scorned,
deceived and abandoned…
I had thought killing it would be
even easier than the first two
but the resilient brute
became the toughest of the lot
though in the end it could never
survive the rancor of a human mind…
Now with all my parts dissolved, I am free
with this emptiness, which is, perhaps, the real me!
The poem is conceived after reading a report on The Daily Mail
So her fidelity is a bit dubious and
possibly not too firm as well but I wonder,
why should her life exist in the realm of my thoughts!
Who is she but someone I know nothing about,
beyond a given name and a made up face with it,
chiseled smooth from too many years of cajoling!
Well, I can discern between love and libido
and I know, for sure, what I felt was neither one…
Still, what baffles me is why should I feel the pain,
as if the victim is none other than myself!
Perhaps the memories are projecting my past
of a barren bitterness on her present life…
Or perhaps it is my present, gone amorous
from four long years of too little sleep, at silent nights!